|
|
You are viewing the most recent 20 entries November 11th, 2009turkishb @ 11:15 pm:
 In neuroscience, the cannula is an instrument used to keep easy access to the brain being experimented on. Once inserted, it acts like a veritable pop-top through which the good folks in white coats may apply chemical or mechanical forces to the living brain. One experiment I read involved creating lesions in a brain area responsible for "male sexual response" on sex offenders. The result was pretty similar to giving them estrogens or anti-androgens: libido destroyed, so no "problematic libido" anymore. Kind of a hint that the problem is not in the libido itself, but in the symbolic construction and interaction with the libido. But of course no one's ever made any headway in actually "fixing" these problematic orientations at that level, so we are left to rather brute solutions. In chemistry, valence is the number of potential bonds between atoms formed by electrons. It reminds me of proteins and gene expression, in biochemistry. I have been feeling like my math and science education needs to be redressed. So I've been reading a bit here and there. Nothing systematic. I think my brain works more laterally than analytically. I am usually looking for bigger patterns, rather than thorough specificity. That's kind of a problem. Still, some headway. Very interested in biomedical stuff. I am wondering what kind of person I am, and what I'd be good at. It is scary, but when I contrast it to the way I used to be--just never thinking of a future at all--well, I try to see it as a good thing.
robotic_cowgirl @ 09:26 pm: shopping, mostly
 When I was in the metro yesterday I saw a girl wearing the "sexy" version of my outfit. She had on a plaid, button-up dress with high heeled, brown boots and bare legs, and I was wearing the same thing, but with tights and a cardigan and my boots are flat. It's a silly thing to even mention, I know, but I found it amusing. ** I started my Christmas shopping today. One of many trips, I'm sure. It almost feels too early to start shopping, but I know that before I know it it will be time to go to Thunder Bay. I wasn't expecting today's expedition to be especially fruitful, but it was. I'm almost finished buying for Nat's mom (and I would be if her birthday wasn't so soon after the holidays) and I got a few things for other people as well. Actually, I got a lot of shopping for Nat done also, which is kind of a big relief since he's so hard to shop for. Ahh. It's nice to feel like I actually accomplished something. I bought a new winter coat a little less than two weeks ago and when I went back to the store where I bought it, I saw that it's now 50% off. Blerg. ( for Remembrance Day )Current Mood:  relaxed , shopping
snork_maiden @ 10:41 pm: Note to Self
 Do not read comments on 'book reviews' you've written when you're in a low confidence point and struggling. Invariably they slate you, make you feel terrible and wonder why you're bothering writing... ARGH It'll all be ok once I've had food I'm sure. Hmm then it'll be back to some more paper writing. Feeling behind with all this struggling phenomenon but hey what's a girl to do... Current Mood:  frustrated November 10th, 2009fayanora @ 06:59 pm: The Abomination
 A week before the end of last month, I made what I refer to as The Abomination. It was supposed to be beans and rice. Idiotic me thought I could take a shortcut and cook the rice *and* beans in the same pot at the same time. Naturally, the rice got overcooked and the beans were undercooked. It might have been edible had I been a middle-ages peasant. But since I'm not... Anyway, it sat in the fridge until just a couple days ago, moldering over because of my self-annoyance and guilt at the wasted food. It was starting to get stinky when I finally threw it out directly into the big garbage thingy outside. Luckily, because the water was coming up out of it, it came out all in one blob. Eeew! Tonight I tried again, cooking the beans first, setting them aside, then cooking the rice. And herp dee durp if it didn't work this time. I also added a can of black beans and some cooked hamburger. It's yummy! :-D A little bit of paprika gives it a little kick, too. (But not too much.) Tags: food, recipes, you're doing it wrong
fayanora @ 06:00 pm: Planning going well
 The planning for my next short story is going pretty well; I have lots of cool ideas for it, including recycling not only Telrenni but part of the original failed story as well, turning it into a flashback or memory. It was too good at showing her toughness to just let it die! At group therapy, someone commented (positively) about how intently I was writing, and I explained I was writing down ideas for my next short story, and why; I explained that I usually write down the basic plot of a story before I write it, but forgot to in the case of my first attempt at a story for the Mindeodean universe, and therefore had no idea where I was going with the story. Well, that's not the *only* reason that story died. The other reason was this Terran character I had there with Telrenni. Supposedly he was also a member of the Red Diamond Brigade, just a newbie, and I had him in there to act to ask questions the readers might ask, which is a plot device I'd read a lot about. But the Red Diamond Brigade is supposed to be the Mindeodean version of the Navy SEALs, but given the myriad enhancements even normal Mindeodeans have over Terrans, it didn't really fit that a Terran, no matter how strong he was for a Terran, would be in the Red Diamond Brigade. Furthermore, why would a newbie be on a very important mission with an obviously skilled and seasoned member? It made no sense, so I didn't try to revive the story. On another note, I was looking at the info file for the Mindeodean stories, specifically looking at planet names because I've been using Mindeodean colony planets as names for my colonies in the Starfleet Commander game on Facebook (which helps me remember the names), and some of the names I had for colonized planets were... ugly. I had Barvik and Lintal as names of two colonized planets, and then I had these beautiful names, Candareth and Lybeth, for a pair of Venus-like worlds called "The Toxic Sisters." I didn't like that, so I switched them around. Now the Toxic Sisters are Barvik and Lintal, and the two colonized worlds are Candareth and Lybeth. :-) Current Mood:  accomplished , creativity, scifi, stories, things i've written
turkishb @ 07:31 pm:
 it occurred to me that confidence may often be a by-product of thinking one has nothing to lose. when it turns out we do have something to lose, it is called hubris. when it turns out we don't, we lack the word. arrogance? but this is not hurt enough. what i describe, it is pitied, this desperate sense of humor, this disregard, maybe it is "cavalier". but of course as long as we are alive, we always have parts to lose. i think i used to have a certain confidence simply because i didn't believe i'd ever be anything. this morning i woke up and i thought with a certain sadness and chagrin, well, here i am, facing the rest of my life, knowing i will exist. what sort of person am i, now that it turns out i am here? as i was going to sleep last night i recalled a film i saw at the ICA. it was a huge brick of sugarcubes, slowly doused with oil, in glistening sunlight. i was thinking about what it means to say something exists, and what difference and sameness mean. all the sugar crashes inward under the oil, because all the particles of sugar suffer the same reaction, and then their higher-order shape determines that crumpling, like an imploded building. sugar, the molecules, the atoms which we call "sugar", will always react to "oil" this way. but if we continue to subdivide both, down to their essential constituent parts, and we assume the ultimate reality is unified, then from whence this difference? i know physics is physics, and i respect it. but this question seems to require a metaphysical scaffold.
November 9th, 2009fayanora @ 05:07 pm: Female heroes
I was just on Twitter, reading this link which was posted in this Tweet by @feminismtoday, and poignantly it reminded me of something about my Mindeodean stories, due to it talking about women in the military. In that universe, the main power is the Mindeodean Empire, and empire more like Star Trek's Federation, but without being wimpy. The colony on the planet of Mindeodean was founded by a group of scientists and idealists, and they had to genetically engineer children capable of living on Mindeodean since the planet's ecosystem was so different in key ways from Earth's. While they were at it, they made some other improvements: enhanced strength, nearly unbreakable bones, rapid healing powers, the ability to regrow limbs, and an extended lifespan. They also made Mindeodean males and females the same in strength and size and made both genders a little more androgynous than Terrans (Earth humans) tend to be. (You'd never see a beard on a Mindeodean male, for example; they're no longer capable of growing beards.) Also, over the millennia, the "races" of Mindeodean look very different. Almost all Mindeodeans are some shade of brown. Anyway, back to the point. In my recent story "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," taking place in that universe, men and women of the Joquari species of human (yes, there are many human species in that universe) fight side-by-side to defend their home. And the Mindeodean admiral, Admiral Telytria (Telyt [tel-eet] of the Ria family), is a woman. But beyond that, my first attempt at a story in that universe featured a Mindeodean woman named Telrenni (Tel of the Renni family) 1, a member of the Red Diamond Brigade. The Red Diamond Brigade is a "black ops" sort of group, kind of like the Navy SEALs, only cooler due to the fact that they have many more genetic enhancements than even standard Mindeodeans, enhancements that are great in combat, but they still do things that even enhanced Navy SEALs might hesitate to do. I'm hoping to use Telrenni in a new story, one that shows off her prowess as a Red Diamond Brigadier. But the real point I wanted to make was that the bit in the article linked above mentioned "sexual tension" between males and females in the military. It reminded me that Mindeodeans live so long that they made it so they're only fertile for a 3 month stretch every 10 years. (Means only 1 menses every ten years.) I doubt that would do anything about sexual tension, but considering that Mindeodeans try to have an equal number of men and women in their military, and the fact that Mindeodean women are just as strong physically as the males even before working at it, as well as there being no DADT policy, any Mindeodean male who tried to rape a Mindeodean female would be in for a world of hurt. Oh, and there are also Terrans and terran-type people from other Empire worlds in the military. They'd have to be *insane* to try anything untoward with a Mindeodean. The *weakest* Mindeodean could pulverize a Terran into small pieces with his or her fists! Besides which, the whole colony was founded on gender equality, among other things (equality of all people, regardless of race, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, or even *species* is in their constitution, and there are even more checks and balances in their system than in USA's, to prevent any Mindeodean versions of George W. Bush coming to power or staying in power if they sneak through). There's an Emperor and an Empress (separate elected positions). I haven't figured out the rest of their government yet, though. 1 = Damn, didn't notice the similarity of their names until now. Might change the Admiral's name. Current Mood:  contemplative , news, scifi, stories, things i've written
turkishb @ 07:10 pm:
 ha, my plastic surgeon has before/after pics of my surgery on his website now. i'm with a bunch of other dudes in the gynecomastia section. i don't stand out at all! man that is odd to see. i did a double-take: whoooa is that me?? whoooooaaaaa! they airbrushed out a scar i had from a previous surgery, too. (a cyst removal). that kept me from recognizing my chest, along with all my chest hair having been shaved off. life sure offers us the surreal sometimes!
turkishb @ 06:57 pm:
today i calculated my debt. it was kind of soul-crushing. but i also read this article: http://www.livescience.com/health/091109-artificial-penis-tissue-rabbits.htmland felt somewhat better. i think right now i need to make my priority going back to school, even if only part-time, such that i can afford to live with my debts.
November 8th, 2009fayanora @ 07:42 pm: Finished a short story!
 I finished my "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" story! (Might need some editing, but aside from that...) Wow. From start to finish in two days! Of course, it helps that I spent at least a week planning the story in my mind first. And guess what? I even have an idea for another story in the same universe! "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" is the story of a ship of Joquari merchants being attacked by a mysterious new enemy they start calling "Zokek" since zo kek is Joquari for "no faces." (The Zokek have faces, but hide their bodies entirely, including their faces.) It starts out a bit slowly, because life on Joquari ships is usually quite sedate, but once the action starts, oh boy! I didn't want to put it down! I hope any readers (like beta readers) will feel the same way. And all this takes place in the Mindeodean universe, a universe where there's lots and lots of planets with life, but humans seem to be the only sentient species (at least in our galaxy, anyway). I am so stoked! I'm gonna start planning that new story idea. Current Mood: accomplished , stories, things i've written
November 7th, 2009robotic_cowgirl @ 06:21 pm:
 I made this for dinner last night. It must have been pretty good because Nat had seconds and then ended up having left-overs, which he hardly ever does. Pesto Cream Sauce1 pack angel hair pasta 2 tbsp olive oil 1 small onion, chopped 8 cloves garlic, sliced 1/2 cup butter or margarine 1-3 cups chicken broth (depending on how thin you want your sauce) 2 tbsp all-purpose flour (three, if needed) 2 cups half'n'half 1 pinch salt 1 pinch pepper 1 1/2 cups grated Romano cheese 1 cup prepared basil pesto 1 pound cooked shrimp, peeled and deveined 3 Roma (plum) tomatoes, diced 1. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 mintues or until al dente; drain. 2. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Saute onion until tender and translucent. Stir in garlic and butter, and saute until garlic is soft and fragrant, about 1 minute. Dissolve flour in half'n'half, then stir in. Season with salt and pepper, and simmer four minutes (approx.) , stirring constantly. Add cheese and stir until melted. Stir in pesto. Add shrimp and tomatoes. Cook 4 minutes, or until heated through. Toss with pasta until evenly coated. Current Mood:  hungry fayanora @ 11:00 pm: Five gratitudes
1. One of the people at group therapy told me she has a bunch of old clothes that don't fit her that she'd be glad to bring in for me to see if they fit me. 2. Got my bank account to a positive balance again. 3. FredMeyers had a sale on vitamin water. 4. I was able to afford a refill on my Prozac. 5. I slept really well last night. (Though it was because I went to bed early due to a headache.) Gods, this was hard tonight. Took hours to get past #2. Tags: five gratitudes
robotic_cowgirl @ 12:19 am:
 I'm obviously way behind on this (surprise, surprise), as fashion week ended a few weeks ago, but I'm trying my best to catch up. I really do enjoy looking at the collections every season, but it does tend to be time consuming and if I have a hard time keeping up with even my e-mails, then keeping up with this is damned near impossible. Anyways, on to the fashion! ( looky loo )Current Mood: hungry , photos
November 6th, 2009turkishb @ 10:27 pm:
Well, the phone calls about the loans started today. I am pursuing a forbearance. It's a stop-gap measure though. I don't know how I can actually feasibly survive in Boston if I don't get the forbearance, or what I will do afterward. Just one loan's payments would take up a tenth of my income. All of them together would probably halve my daily allowable expenses, and I am living on $10 a day. Wachovia doesn't do consolidation anymore, either. So I'm not sure what my next move is, really. I need to pursue promotion, which I don't really want to do. I already don't have a life anymore. I work, I read, I write. I get drunk sometimes, when tips are good enough and I feel I've got a windfall. This weekend is a nice exception. I am assistant camera on a shoot, but not paid. Being on a camera again was bittersweet. It's like having a leg back, but knowing you can't walk out of the store with it. You have to take it off and have everyone believe you can't do anything with any dignity anymore. I know how to fit 4 dimensions into a tiny little box, force you to suspend your disbelief, manipulate your emotions, and see things. But there's just no security to it. I thought I'd have a full-blown anxiety attack when the call came. But I didn't. I felt awful. I felt like: what will I do, on even less money than now? Will I need to find a new job? Will I need to work fifty hours? Sixty? What kind of life can I have for myself? The terms of my loan are twenty years. Twenty years of this? I thought about calling my folks, but didn't. Why bother? I don't want their help. I want to be able to trust myself. I want to have plans that I know will take care of me. I guess I need to try to go back to school, but I'm not sure I want to pursue a masters in the arts. You do the arts at someone else's mercy. I'm sick of being at the mercy of circumstances. But I don't want to talk about that for the millionth time, anyway. I road my bike. This made me feel a little better, though I didn't notice it until the ride back. Lately I can see the muscles in my body. I can feel that my thighs, my butt, my calves, are all getting defined from all the riding. I can balance well enough on the bike that I as often ride sitting up, with my hands behind my back like I were strolling, as I do down on the handlebars. I often think to myself when drivers are rude, "well, as long as we maintain separate velocities!" I went to the Harvard COOP to read. Reading has become a guilty pleasure. I hung out in the medical books, continuing my reading of medical history and contemporary stories of doctors. I know for the first hundred or so times I've had to administer my testosterone I have thought about myself: is this right for me? Will I be happier? Am I still sure? But lately it's been making me ask questions about the world. What does this mean, that I am able to do this? How is it possible? I picked up Myths of Gender at the BPL last week. It's really a great survey of studies of sexual difference. But it's also a good survey of problems in constructing truth through science. One example I recall from the book is very potent. It's a bit of a trope now to believe that men are better with spatial skills for some biological reason: genetics, hormones, etc. She tears this apart quite effectively. But the example which stands out to me is between the Inuit and the Temne of Africa. Sometimes it's what's not there, that counts. There's no difference in spatial ability between the sexes among the Inuit, but a pronounced difference in the Temne. One possible explanation for that is that all Inuit need to be extremely discriminating analyzers of terrain to navigate what I'd respond to as a totally blank, featureless environment of snow. Whereas the Temne live in an extremely variegated environment, wherein women have extremely limited mobility. I walked out of the COOP and had this feeling I've had a lot lately. I keep trying to communicate it, since no one seems to respond exactly as if they've felt it. But I really felt as if things were not Real. I don't mean that I am imagining everything or some other myopic nonsense. I mean when I was looking at things, I was seeing things, but I was seeing my eyes at the same time. I was seeing things outside me and things inside me, necessarily simultaneously. I grabbed onto the feeling with both hands tonight. I thought to myself: this is valuable. This has to be valuable. I know I've got nothing else--no future, no partner, no plan, no social currency--but I have this, goddamnit. I have this knowledge that the limits are as much about me as the world: they are inseparable. This has to be worth something! This has to be the thing which will get me through somehow. It just has to be! I don't know what else I've got.
Powered by LiveJournal.com
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}